KABUL—The Taliban offered Pakistan's army assistance in suppressing protests, hoping to repair relations with Rawalpindi by demonstrating that its former students could still be useful.
Zabihullah Mujahid reassured Asim Munir that Taliban expertise extended beyond insurgency. “We spent twenty years overthrowing governments. Since 2021, we've specialized in preventing anyone else from trying.”
Shehbaz Sharif welcomed the offer but asked whether Taliban advisers could distinguish protesters from RAW agents.
Sirajuddin Haqqani replied, “Certainly. Agents carry weapons. Protesters carry demands. Both become terrorists once the government feels threatened.”
Omar Zakhilwal praised the initiative. “Pakistan sacrificed so much for Afghanistan, including Afghanistan itself. I can serve as Munir's special representative, with an Islamabad office and a salary appropriate to my loyalty.”
Imran Khan requested permission to protest the agreement. Islamabad classified the request as proof the training had succeeded.
The Taliban offered instructors and warned that crushing protesters without a Kandahar license violated its intellectual property.
Munir declined. “We have the manual. Hekmatyar and the NRF have already volunteered as teaching assistants.”
Kandahar demanded royalties.
Rawalpindi produced the original receipt.