THE COLLECTED EDITIONS

Politics

From the Torshi newsroom.

23 stories

Taliban Rejects UN Report on Fourfold Opium Surge, Accuses Poppies of Restoring Republic Without Hibatullah's Permission
The UN says Afghan poppy cultivation quadrupled. Kandahar rejects the figures. After twenty years of American democracy and five years of Islamic decrees, Afghanistan's most adaptable institution remains the one that never needed elections, a constitution or a peace agreement.

Politics

Taliban Rejects UN Report on Fourfold Opium Surge, Accuses Poppies of Restoring Republic Without Hibatullah's Permission

Kandahar disputed the figures after Afghanistan's oldest bipartisan industry appeared to survive twenty years of American democracy and five years of Islamic decrees.

Taliban Restricts Corneal Transplants After Discovering Blind Afghans Are Less Likely to Notice Five Years of Islamic Progress
The Taliban restricted corneal transplants after discovering restored eyesight might expose Afghans to government achievements that exist only in official statements. Senior officials remain eligible for treatment abroad. Someone must see what the public is forbidden to.

Politics

Taliban Restricts Corneal Transplants After Discovering Blind Afghans Are Less Likely to Notice Five Years of Islamic Progress

Kandahar declared restored eyesight a threat to national stability, warning that patients might begin comparing government achievements with what actually exists.

Dostum Offers Taliban Dasht-i-Leili Dead as Down Payment on Amnesty, Demands Return to Jawzjan Before Afghanistan Runs Out of People to Forgive
Dostum offered the Taliban the Dasht-i-Leili dead as a down payment on amnesty. Kandahar demanded guarantees against posthumous opposition. Pakistan offered to certify the transaction. After forty years of war, Afghanistan's commanders prepared to forgive one another and recruit the next generation.

Politics

Dostum Offers Taliban Dasht-i-Leili Dead as Down Payment on Amnesty, Demands Return to Jawzjan Before Afghanistan Runs Out of People to Forgive

Ankara negotiations advanced after both sides agreed Afghanistan's future belonged to the living, provided the dead waived their objections.

Iran Ships Enriched Uranium to Taliban Through Khaf–Herat Railway After Discovering America Can No Longer Find Afghanistan on Map
Iran reportedly found the perfect place to hide enriched uranium: Afghanistan, which Washington can no longer locate on a map. The Taliban reopened the Khaf–Herat railway and launched radioactive soap. Baradar promised every Afghan would glow in defense of the homeland.

Politics

Iran Ships Enriched Uranium to Taliban Through Khaf–Herat Railway After Discovering America Can No Longer Find Afghanistan on Map

Kabul celebrated its new strategic partnership with Tehran by opening Afghanistan's first radioactive soap factory, promising to wash away foreign aggression without removing the radiation.

NRF Opens California Front, Declares Aisha Wahab Taliban's Last Stronghold in Silicon Valley
The NRF has opened a California front against Aisha Wahab. Ahmad Massoud will command from Paris, Ali Maisam Nazary has endorsed Melissa Hernandez, and Fremont is now considered the final obstacle to liberating Panjshir. VIP resistance tables are available near the stage.

Politics

NRF Opens California Front, Declares Aisha Wahab Taliban's Last Stronghold in Silicon Valley

Ahmad Massoud dispatched the resistance to a California election, where victory requires fewer fighters, better donors and a Paris fundraiser.

Europe Condemns Taliban, Requests Same-Day Delivery of Afghans to Them
Europe will not recognize the Taliban as Afghanistan’s government, only as the government responsible for Afghans Europe wants removed. “This is not recognition,” German Interior Minister Alexander Dobrindt said. “It is logistics.”

Politics

Europe Condemns Taliban, Requests Same-Day Delivery of Afghans to Them

Governments said Kabul remains dangerously illegitimate but sufficiently legitimate to sign for returned refugees. “This is not recognition,” German Interior Minister Alexander Dobrindt said. “It is proof of delivery.”